The MTA doesn’t know what the summer of hell really is, but I do.
While everyone is begging for summer to not come to an end, I am over here begging it to be over and never return. It has been a very CRUEL CRUEL summer, in fact, the MTA doesn’t even know what the summer of hell is, but I do. I had all these great plans, goals I was going to demolish, and life was going to be great, but little did I know that life was not going to allow that. A more accurate description would be I fell off the wagon, derailed the train, sent it over the highest cliff, and it is now sitting under the Titanic and sinking. Yup, major setbacks, and I am not a happy person at all right now about it. How did I let this happen to me, how did I go back to old buried habits, why???
Well, it all started out so simple. My youngest son went in for a minor routine surgical procedure the first week of summer. I planned to be out of the gym for a week while he recouped. This minor procedure opened Pandora’s box, revealing my son had some major medical issues with his kidneys and bladder and therefore derailed all of July. We spent days in and out of the ER, Dr’s appointments and medical tests, to only be told they don’t really know why my son is having these issues. So instead of taking my stress out at the gym, I was stuck home or at appointments and stress ate my way through July. I was eating foods I haven’t eaten in years, and not just trying little bits but fully indulging. I know better, but the stress was just getting to me, and I had no other outlet. I couldn’t even just go for a walk because the medical issues required me to always stay with him. Don’t get me wrong; I am thankful we found out about medical issues that could have potentially damaged my son’s young life. But being blindsided by it all really got me. And of course the guilt of discovering that my son had a serious medical condition that I didn’t know about for the past nine years set in hard. That only increased my stress eating. I was busy beating myself up for letting it get by me, although in fairness I have had my hands more than full these years dealing with my other son’s medical issues. I pride myself on being involved and aware of any and all issues, so for this to get by me for so long made me feel like I had failed as a mom. I had to forgive myself and not let it get to me. I had no way of knowing this was happening to my son. But now that I do know, I can do whatever needs to be done to help him get better.
Then August came and went with me still not being able to get to the gym, with more stress piling on me from every direction. I was simultaneously trying to get the kids to camp (they already missed three weeks of camp in July), getting the paperwork to the school for a 504 Medical Accommodation for my son, and scheduling meetings with teachers and counselors before school starts, and that consumed all my time. Plus, I had construction going on at my house (now stalled due to plans changing), so the Black Cloud of Stress just parked itself over my head and fed me.
So now my weight is up, I feel gross and unhappy. I worked so hard for so long, battled through so many plateaus to have this happen to me. I didn’t lose all that weight just to put it back on! I have been in denial all summer, thinking I would be all right, but the truth of the matter is I am FAT, once again. I no longer see the defined, toned muscles I worked so hard for, I see rolls around my belly, and it makes me feel gross. I get so angry if someone even tries to tell me I look good, because I know I don’t. My good friend Ally, saw me the other day and immediately said, “You haven’t been to the gym, what is going on? You need that.” She is right; Fitness Incentive is my outlet, it is where I get it out, whether it is from training, torturing myself through a cardio class, walking on the treadmill or taking a Pilates class – it is where I get my release.
When you don’t release the stress, it manifests into other things, like stress eating and lots of nasty cortisol bringing more belly fat to you. It is a wicked cycle. So, I pulled up my big girl panties and said enough is enough, I am taking back my life and getting back on track. I cannot feel guilty for taking care of myself. Yes, my child needed me, but if I don’t take care of myself, then I am no good to anyone. I need to be selfish and put myself first so that I can conquer all that needs to be conquered.
I will no longer feel bad for myself; I am going to fix the damage I did this summer, and I will beat all that stress and guilt back to where it came from. I didn’t come this far to give up and throw in the towel. I am stronger than this, so I am back with a stronger conviction than before.
So yes, I need this summer to be over because I am so over it.
New Season, New goals, New Determination.
Watch out because the Queen is retaking her throne.
About the Author
Dolores Falco is a long-time FI Member and a regular contributor to Fit to Print.